Thursday, March 6, 2014

Owning My Struggles

As I sat in Urgent Care two Sunday's ago, feeling completed defeated after finding out I had bronchitis for the second time this year, I began to really reflect on a lot of things - the blog being one of them.

I started this blog nearly a year ago as a way to document my weightloss and fitness journey. I wanted the accountability and support that came along with it. It was fun at first. Weight was falling off. My health was in check and all was well. As time went on, and the-never-ending-plateau came about, my motivation really wavered. At that time, I started Fit 4 Christmas and was able to finally light that fire under myself again and see results. I weighed in December 20th at 166.8 (if I'm remembering correctly). 29 pounds gone - forever. Or so I thought.

Then, round 1 of bronchitis hit. There were rounds and rounds of antibiotics, feeling miserable and just... blah. About this same time, I started to feel like the blog was a "chore". Try as hard as I might, I could not think of anything worth writing about. If I'm being completely honest - I didn't feel worthy of writing on my own blog. The weight was creeping back on. I was physically unable to workout. I could have come on here and owned up to all of that then, but I didn't want to be a failure. Who wants to read about illnesses and someone ruining all their hard work?

So, of course, I started thinking negatively in other areas of my life as well. One year ago, Wyatt worked out with me every single night. He loved it! Often times, when I wanted to take a day off, it was he that pushed me to lace up my shoes and push play. As he is getting older and more independent, he isn't as interested as he once was. Mama's guilt has been strong as of late when I'm in my room trying to get a 30 minute workout in and he is off playing in his room. As I'd try to push myself in my workouts, my heart wanted to be in there with him.

All these thoughts, health issues, and the need to spend extra time with my son, led me to take a hiatus from the blog. I've spent these two weeks working on myself mentally. That step back was necessary at that point. I finished round two of steroids just over a week ago and I've slowly been getting back into my workout schedule.

With all that said, I originally thought that I would work hard and lose the extra pounds before owning up to my struggles the past few months. It'd be sooo much better if I came on here and said, "Hey, I gained a bunch of weight, but I've already lost it! woohoo!" Riiiiiiight. (Insert sarcasm here). I didn't want the embarrassment, for lack of a better word, of sharing my failures publicly. However, I woke up this morning whistling a different tune. Mistakes are a part of life. We all make them. We all have things to struggle with. I never set out to be one of those bloggers that only share the highs and successes.

I mentioned after the first round of antibiotics that I was up - but I (intentionally) left out the specific number. After round two, that number got even higher. Here it is in all it's ugly glory: 20 pounds. Yes, I've gained 20 pounds since Christmas and I have been wallowing in self pity week after week and letting that number control my happiness. Is some of that retention from the steroids? Most definitely. But, I'd waiver only 7-10 pounds were steroid weight. The rest is on me, 100%.

Seeing 185 on that scale was a major wake up call. I can't keep letting my health issues control my mindset or that number. I can't control my lupus. I can't always control the crappy immune system that comes with it. But, I CAN control the foods I put in my body and my overall attitude.

I've been fairly on track since weighing in. My clothes are fitting better and I know I've lost some. I won't know just how much until I weigh in again on Monday.

Sorry for all the rambling, and I hope it makes some sense. Mostly, I just wanted to own up to my struggles and share where I'm at. I want anyone out there reading to know that you aren't alone in your own challenges. And most importantly, that I'm still here and chipping away at it. It's a journey after all... and the end result will always be worth it.

I have plans for the upcoming future, as always, and will be sharing them all next week. Wheat Belly Wednesdays will be continuing next week as well!


  1. I love this! Trust and believe when I say the struggle is real, its most definitely real! I've always gotten bronchitis every year and it has ALWAYS hindered my progress, just like yours...BUT this makes you so relatable! Sharing your story, good or bad, is what makes you an inspiration! Your body will completely heal and you will rock all our socks off! You got this!

    Thanks for being so honest!

  2. You can do it! Don't focus on that number or even working so hard to fit those workouts in. Focus on being healthy and spending time with your son (but don't let yourself feel guilty for taking "me-time"). If you just tried to nourish your body so it can heal and recover, and stay as active as you can playing with your son, you'll find your way back and be happier for it!

    I've struggled since the holidays and am still up about five pounds from that point. I just can't seem to get my motivation back with the eating - I'm really struggling with late night snacking and can't seem to stop the made beast that comes out after a day of hard work and ruins it all.

    It really makes it hard to blog about health/fitness/weight loss when you're struggling! You feel like a bit of a fake. I'm just trying to keep it as a place where I can give others resources and celebrate every-so-often if I make a healthy choice. The motivation has gone down a bit, but maybe I can "fake it til I make it."

    I'm glad you have a better outlook than before - maybe once you're feeling better another challenge will come about? I'd love to join this time!

  3. Your honesty is what gives your blog credibility and inspiration. You bravely state your struggles, fears,embarrassments and most of your readers can relate on some level - I imagine..that's what keeps us loyal and committed to our own journey. Thanks and know you are continuing yo make connections with others looking to make positive healthy lifestyle changes.

  4. You aren't rambling! This is your blog! It's supposed to be your thoughts about your life! :)

    Sorry you are having these difficulties...but I have no doubt you will bounce back! Hopefully the warm weather coming will help!


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