Motivation Monday: Bump in the Road

 

We took a little road trip over the mountain to Saratoga, WY yesterday so Brad could watch some Pros play in a pool tournament. There's something about the mountains that brings me such peace. On the way home, I couldn't help but think back over the past year and snapped the above picture from the truck to reflect my thoughts in the moment.

Last summer, Brad and I took a backpacking trip, over 6 miles total. The hike was through water, over boulders and all types of terrain. I made the trip with ease. At times, feeling as though I could have ran portions where there was actual trail. I felt on top of the world in the moment, both literally and figuratively.

Never did I think I would be back to square one almost a year later. 

I've known that I'd have to write this blog post for a couple of weeks. While I have touched on it briefly here and there, I have really tried to avoid the whole topic.  Even though I've had this post on the brain for weeks, I am still finding it hard to find the words...

I worked hard last year and learned a lot of things along the way. My progress was much slower than anticipated, but I kept my head up (most of the time) and continued looking forward. I first got sick and started experience Lupus Flare symptoms in October. For months, I taught tooth and nail to continue progressing through the pain and sickness. Finally, in December, I reached a 29lb total loss. I felt great and was beginning to gain the confidence I had lost long ago.

Then, all the symptoms came back x100. I tried. Man, did I ever try to keep pressing forward. Truth is, my body was exhausted. My mind was exhausted. I simply couldn't workout through the aches and pains. Beyond that, I couldn't walk across the room without being winded and having a coughing attack. These couldn't (s) aren't "Eh, I didn't feel like it." They are: I, quite literally, was not capable of these things. 

Enter the evil prednisone. Not only does it make you retain water like you're 9 months pregnant with pre-eclampsia, but the hunger is unreal. Evil, evil, prednisone. I wanted to eat healthy, I did. But truth be told, I gave in far too many times in past month. One positive thing, I did make more frequent healthy choices than I would have if this had been one year ago. So, there's that.

The day I found out about round 1093980739 of bronchitis for the year, I also broke my big toe AND had to take Wyatt back into the doctor after my x-rays for his 3rd round of antibiotics in 2 months. We won't go back into all of that - my point is: Luck has not been on my side and I haven't handled it the best I could. 

Weight loss and fitness journey's aren't all happy-go-lucky moments. They aren't rainbows and unicorns all the time. They aren't easy. No matter what anyone portrays out there, at the gym or on some random blog, they struggle, too. Even if they'll never admit it. It's not always easy to turn down dessert or all the pizza and burgers. It's not always easy to make your workout a priority. And, sometimes, real life situations are going to get in the way. Some things are completely out of your control.

The real change in a person happens when they decide what to do with the things they are dealt. The real change happens when they take slip-ups, no matter how big or how small, as a bump in the road. Not an end-all.

That's where I am. I'm feeling better. Much better. The prednisone is gone - for now...  I haven't weighed in yet (I will tomorrow morning after I dig my scale out), but I can tell you that I will not be surprised if I'm starting over - 100% from the beginning. I've been struggling internally with that thought and trying to overcome the negative talk that comes with it. I can't change the past. It is what it is. All I can do is work my butt off from here on out.

I hope you guys will all stick around as I start this journey over. The great thing about the past year, is I've learned a lot about myself and my body which should make all the difference in my success this time around. I need accountability right now, so I'll be bringing back weekly weigh-ins. 

More on my plan, weigh-in, measurements to come tomorrow!

A Very Random - 5 on Friday

It's Friday and my blood pressure is coming back down from my little vent yesterday, just in time for the weekend. I know I had said I'd have the full potty training post up this week, but we'll just bump it to the next.

It wouldn't be the close of a week without 5 On Friday, so...

{ONE}

This was my Friday morning. Wyatt insisted he cover me in kisses before we left the house, which basically makes me the luckiest mommy in the world. After being up all night wiping his nose and trying to keep him calm with all his coughing, it was very much needed. Please keep positive thoughts for us as we have a big doctor's appointment on Monday!

Even though he's not feeling well, there have been zero accidents since Sunday. Zero! I'm so proud of my little guy.

{TWO}

A little Flashback Friday to last summer's hiking...

I am itching to get back to the mountains! Will the snow ever end? We've been having a really awesome winter this spring. Sigh


I've lived down in this part of Wyoming over 7 years, and I honestly still don't know the area well. I think I've talked Brad into showing me a few day hike places.. with trails clearly marked... that I can safely do myself when he has Wyatt. There will definitely be some backpacking trips this summer as well, but that will not happen without Brad along. Safety first, friends... safety first. Not to mention, if a bear was to pop up in front of me, I'd think he's too cute to actually shoot - even if he started ripping me to shreds. So there's that. (That may be part of the issue I'm having with convincing Brad to show me hiking trails I can do by myself).

{THREE}

I've started the taper process of Prednisone, which is very exciting. However, it's been years and years since I've been on it for an extended period of time. I forgot a very nasty side effect of tapering - pain. It's not uncommon with the prednisone, especially in auto-immune patients.

My entire body is fragile at the moment. I mean, it literally hurts for my clothing to touch my skin. The pressure of laying down on a soft bed to go to sleep last night actually had me crying in pain. The shower this morning? Let's not even talk about how that felt. Or the fact that drying off with a towel was out of the question, so I just stood in the bathroom to air dry for what felt like an eternity.

I'm so ready for my bloated face to go back to normal, and to get to work losing the extra weight though, that the pain is almost a welcome one. It's a sign that I'm getting closer to being able to move forward. Hopefully it will just last a couple days and I will be feeling like a new me!

{FOUR}

We had my mom and little brother come over for dinner last night. Which means Wyatt's day was MADE.

Until the past year, my family have all been 7 hours away. It's been a lot of fun having them around.

{FIVE}

Warm weather will come eventually, and it will be running season again. I am in desperate need of a new running playlist. Help!

What's on your playlist??

Motivation Monday

Today's theme is Healthy Super Bowl Snacks; however, I have a bit of a different view when it comes to "special events" (which, in my house, the Super Bowl most definitely is a special event). If you are going to splurge a bit. Just do it. Watch your portion sizes and get back on track the next day.

For me personally, if I'm really craving something, a low calorie, low fat variation is rarely going to satisfy me and I end up over eating. Make sure there is a veggie tray and fruit around to fill up on, but have a wing or two. Bite into that burger and get back to it the next day. "Fat free" versions of things are not good for you. Sure, the calorie count is going to be less, but you're better off eating whole foods.

Since we are on the topic of the Super Bowl, let me just say what a disappointing year this is. My two least favorite teams in the NFL have made it. Waaaahhhh. On the bright side, I won't have to worry about having a heart attack like I nearly did in the last three minutes of the 49ers game last week. My heart will mend, and Quest for 6 can continue next year!

Brad and his family are all Broncos fans (most people are around here since I live 2 hours away from Denver). So, we will be going to his mom's house for a Super Bowl party and I'm really looking forward to it!.

Moving on from the Super Bowl. Today marks day 1 of T25 again. Knock on wood that I can stay healthy this time. Today is also day 1 of going mainly wheat free. I have been researching this for some time. There are differing views on whether or not taking wheat out of your diet helps Lupus patients. I've spoken to other Lupus sufferers and some say it changed their life, some said it did absolutely nothing. Honestly, that's to be expected. Lupus varies so much person to person. But, I figure it's worth a shot and definitely can't hurt.

I have to share a NSV victory today, because let's face it, it's been a hot minute since I've had any victories - scale or no scale. One of my goals for 2014 was to incorporate more yoga into my routine. Also, Lupus beneficial. As I was laying in bed Friday night, I decided my goal for the weekend would be to try Crow Pose. Now, this is something I never fathomed I could ever do. I've always been amazed by people that could pull it off.

Shockingly, it didn't take me long at all to be able to hold it. Understand that this is not a full crow position. But I'm still extremely excited about my progress so far. My goal is to be able to achieve a full crow (arms clear under the arm pit) by the end of the year.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I came into this week motivated and ready to "officially" start the T25 program. The weekend was amazing. I was finally feeling healthy after months of reoccurring illness. Saturday, Wyatt and I got just over 2 miles in, and I even managed just over 4 miles on Sunday. I haven't ran that distance since I first got sick back in October.

Things were good. I was in a positive place. Monday went smoothly. Wyatt joined me for my T25 workout that evening. My can-do attitude was back. As the evening progressed, I started to feel off. By the time I got Wyatt to bed, the body aches and chills hit me like a ton of bricks. I ended up with a horrible flu bug. Water was not even staying down. It.was.miserable.

Timing could not have been worse. I had a big work deadline this week, and I'm the only person trained to do my job. I ran into the office Tuesday morning long enough to get the guys lined out for the day and grab some things to work from home. Not much work ended up happening, because I was completely incapable of keeping my eyes open and slept all day and night.

Three days later, I'm feeling healthy-ish, again. Somehow, I managed to still complete my deadline yesterday and am once again trying to get set up for a new week.

It's been a challenging winter for me in many ways. Frustration with my health issues is an understatement, but I've managed to stay strong and trudge forward. That is, until Monday night. Honestly, months of anger, frustration and sadness came pouring out all at once this week. Sometimes I just reach a point where enough is enough. Why do I have to have Lupus? Why do I have to be sick all the time? Why can't I make it one, just one week, without being sick? It's exhausting at times. And this past week it just finally caught up with me. One can only take so much without reaching their breaking point.

I sometimes wonder why God gives us the challenges he does. But, I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason. There are lessons to be learned and good can come of anything.  

There's very little doctors can do to prevent this. There is no cure for Lupus. In fact, there's very little treatment at all. One option I have, is to permanently go on steroids. I'm not ready to take that step. I'm 27. I don't want to live with those side affects the rest of my life. For me personally, that's no way to live.

I hate sitting down to my blog, just to tell everyone I'm sick again. Seriously, I know it sounds ridiculous. Believe me, it feels ridiculous. So, I just stayed away from writing for a few days. Instead, I've been proactive and doing some research this week. I am not ready to try medical treatments. But, I can't sit back and just accept being sick all the time until I'm out of this Lupus flare. Who knows how long it will last?

I'm still diving in further to some theories I've found, tweaking some things, and learning more,  but I will share once I have it all figured out. Basically, I plan on making some drastic changes to my diet and see if that will help my flare-ups. While I normally (read: previous to the past few weeks) eat very clean, I've always been an "everything in moderation" girl. I firmly believe that to be true for a healthy person, and I have repeatedly said that throughout my journey thus far.  My opinion of that will never change. However, I am not a healthy person. I never can be, truly. But, I can make the best of the cards I've been dealt.

Choosing to refuse medical treatment is a big decision. And one that I have never made lightly. But, by doing so, it may require some drastic changes in other areas of my life. In the mean time, I'm getting that positive attitude back and am ready to kill T25. Once again, the "official" start date has changed to Monday. Knock on wood.

Lupus: My Journey - Part 1

I was sitting in American History my sophomore year of high school, concentrating on that day's pop quiz, when my right hand started feeling ice cold. Perplexed by the weird sensation, I stopped to look at my hand. All fingers from the knuckles up, were black. Being in the middle of the classic teenager syndrome, "I'm invincible," I chucked to myself. Ha! Look at my black hand! By the completion of the quiz, it was darker and common sense started to kick in. This can't be normal, right? Still, not understanding the possible seriousness, I walked up to my teacher and casually said, "Hey, look! My fingers are black. Isn't that cool?"

He stared at my hand, and back up at me like my casual reaction was completely ridiculous. As he picked up the phone, he said, "I'm calling the nurse. Get to the office NOW." Honestly, I was taken back by the reaction. What's the big deal? I feel fine. The nurse's reaction was even more severe. My mom was called and I was headed directly to the hospital.

My doctor back home was a friend of the family, and met me out in the waiting room. He took one look at my hand, started mumbling a bunch of medical terms to my mom and told her I was being sent to Billings, MT immediately. It wasn't until this point that fear and reality started to set in. When I woke up that morning, I was a typical 15 year old teenager. When I went to bed that evening, I was someone completely different.

After only 5 minutes with the doctor's in Billings, I started to receive some answers, though none that were reassuring. I have Reynauds. While scary at times, and I'm going to have to be careful, I can handle this. Those were the things going through my mind. However, as I started giving more of my family history and revealing that I have Fibromyalgia, the doctor's face started to look more and more concerned. Then, I heard the one little word that would turn my life upside down, Lupus.

Lupus is difficult to diagnose. It's a sneaky disease. There are times that Lupus appears to be non existent, even when it comes to labs. For this reason, I started the year long process of official diagnosis. Every couple of months, I went back to visit my Rheumatologist. I'd spend an hour down in the lab being poked prodded to check my levels. Only one of these visits in a years time came back negative for Lupus, all others were positive.

At the end of the year, a sixteen year old girl sat in her doctor's office and heard the words she'd dreaded, "You have Lupus." Honestly, after that one sentence, my mind shut off. I didn't want to hear about the disease. I didn't want to hear what he was telling me. I wanted to pretend this year had never happened. I heard a few words, "dialysis, adoption, miscarriages, pain management, immune system." All words that terrified me.

Words that would terrify anyone.

Words that turned my world upside down. Words that could change all the plans I had for my future. How do I go on from here?

-----------------------------------

I've lived in denial off and on for over 10 years. During my high risk pregnancy and delivery, I had to start coming to terms with my medical condition. A condition I had known about for over a decade, but refused to accept. Until the past 2 years, I went through an amazing 4 year period with no flare ups. It made it easy for me to forget that my body is attacking itself inside. As the flare ups have returned, and my immune system has dropped, I'm finally dealing with emotions that I shut off in the doctor's office that day. 

I've struggled internally with this for two years. Never talking about it or addressing it to any of my loved ones. Mainly because, I don't quite understand my own feelings. Partly because I never wanted to be one of those people constantly complaining. 

However, I've decided that going through the process and talking about it, is something I need to do for myself. So, I've decided to do a series on my journey with Lupus.

Please understand that in no way am I feeling sorry for myself or thinking I have it rough. That is not what this is about. I just hope that by telling my story, I might be able to help myself and in turn, maybe help anyone who had been through something similar.