Friday, January 24, 2014

Where Do I Go From Here?

I came into this week motivated and ready to "officially" start the T25 program. The weekend was amazing. I was finally feeling healthy after months of reoccurring illness. Saturday, Wyatt and I got just over 2 miles in, and I even managed just over 4 miles on Sunday. I haven't ran that distance since I first got sick back in October.

Things were good. I was in a positive place. Monday went smoothly. Wyatt joined me for my T25 workout that evening. My can-do attitude was back. As the evening progressed, I started to feel off. By the time I got Wyatt to bed, the body aches and chills hit me like a ton of bricks. I ended up with a horrible flu bug. Water was not even staying down. It.was.miserable.

Timing could not have been worse. I had a big work deadline this week, and I'm the only person trained to do my job. I ran into the office Tuesday morning long enough to get the guys lined out for the day and grab some things to work from home. Not much work ended up happening, because I was completely incapable of keeping my eyes open and slept all day and night.

Three days later, I'm feeling healthy-ish, again. Somehow, I managed to still complete my deadline yesterday and am once again trying to get set up for a new week.

It's been a challenging winter for me in many ways. Frustration with my health issues is an understatement, but I've managed to stay strong and trudge forward. That is, until Monday night. Honestly, months of anger, frustration and sadness came pouring out all at once this week. Sometimes I just reach a point where enough is enough. Why do I have to have Lupus? Why do I have to be sick all the time? Why can't I make it one, just one week, without being sick? It's exhausting at times. And this past week it just finally caught up with me. One can only take so much without reaching their breaking point.

I sometimes wonder why God gives us the challenges he does. But, I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason. There are lessons to be learned and good can come of anything.  

There's very little doctors can do to prevent this. There is no cure for Lupus. In fact, there's very little treatment at all. One option I have, is to permanently go on steroids. I'm not ready to take that step. I'm 27. I don't want to live with those side affects the rest of my life. For me personally, that's no way to live.

I hate sitting down to my blog, just to tell everyone I'm sick again. Seriously, I know it sounds ridiculous. Believe me, it feels ridiculous. So, I just stayed away from writing for a few days. Instead, I've been proactive and doing some research this week. I am not ready to try medical treatments. But, I can't sit back and just accept being sick all the time until I'm out of this Lupus flare. Who knows how long it will last?

I'm still diving in further to some theories I've found, tweaking some things, and learning more,  but I will share once I have it all figured out. Basically, I plan on making some drastic changes to my diet and see if that will help my flare-ups. While I normally (read: previous to the past few weeks) eat very clean, I've always been an "everything in moderation" girl. I firmly believe that to be true for a healthy person, and I have repeatedly said that throughout my journey thus far.  My opinion of that will never change. However, I am not a healthy person. I never can be, truly. But, I can make the best of the cards I've been dealt.

Choosing to refuse medical treatment is a big decision. And one that I have never made lightly. But, by doing so, it may require some drastic changes in other areas of my life. In the mean time, I'm getting that positive attitude back and am ready to kill T25. Once again, the "official" start date has changed to Monday. Knock on wood.


  1. I'm so sorry, Tiff. I have to ask, do you get flu shots? I know they don't cover every single possible flu virus, but given the Lupus, I would think it would be a good idea. (obviously starting this fall.) Also, you might want to try a 30 day period of no grains, sugar, processed foods. Period. That kind of diet is so helpful with so many illnesses and nagging conditions, it certainly seems like it couldn't hurt. Whether you include dairy or not would be up to knowing whether you've shown issues with it in the past or not, but the 30 day period without dairy might be a good start. Just a thought. I hope things start to look better, soon.

    p.s. if you were unconscious in the hospital, your job/company would find a way to make do. Shit happens, and you can't put that burden to produce will really sick...upon yourself. Or let anyone else place it there. Health ALWAYS comes first over job.

  2. I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better, but I do not know a lot about Lupus or what it does to the body. But I can say, I am praying for you and I hope you find your way and things get better soon. Give all of your problems to God.


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