Motivation Monday: Bump in the Road

 

We took a little road trip over the mountain to Saratoga, WY yesterday so Brad could watch some Pros play in a pool tournament. There's something about the mountains that brings me such peace. On the way home, I couldn't help but think back over the past year and snapped the above picture from the truck to reflect my thoughts in the moment.

Last summer, Brad and I took a backpacking trip, over 6 miles total. The hike was through water, over boulders and all types of terrain. I made the trip with ease. At times, feeling as though I could have ran portions where there was actual trail. I felt on top of the world in the moment, both literally and figuratively.

Never did I think I would be back to square one almost a year later. 

I've known that I'd have to write this blog post for a couple of weeks. While I have touched on it briefly here and there, I have really tried to avoid the whole topic.  Even though I've had this post on the brain for weeks, I am still finding it hard to find the words...

I worked hard last year and learned a lot of things along the way. My progress was much slower than anticipated, but I kept my head up (most of the time) and continued looking forward. I first got sick and started experience Lupus Flare symptoms in October. For months, I taught tooth and nail to continue progressing through the pain and sickness. Finally, in December, I reached a 29lb total loss. I felt great and was beginning to gain the confidence I had lost long ago.

Then, all the symptoms came back x100. I tried. Man, did I ever try to keep pressing forward. Truth is, my body was exhausted. My mind was exhausted. I simply couldn't workout through the aches and pains. Beyond that, I couldn't walk across the room without being winded and having a coughing attack. These couldn't (s) aren't "Eh, I didn't feel like it." They are: I, quite literally, was not capable of these things. 

Enter the evil prednisone. Not only does it make you retain water like you're 9 months pregnant with pre-eclampsia, but the hunger is unreal. Evil, evil, prednisone. I wanted to eat healthy, I did. But truth be told, I gave in far too many times in past month. One positive thing, I did make more frequent healthy choices than I would have if this had been one year ago. So, there's that.

The day I found out about round 1093980739 of bronchitis for the year, I also broke my big toe AND had to take Wyatt back into the doctor after my x-rays for his 3rd round of antibiotics in 2 months. We won't go back into all of that - my point is: Luck has not been on my side and I haven't handled it the best I could. 

Weight loss and fitness journey's aren't all happy-go-lucky moments. They aren't rainbows and unicorns all the time. They aren't easy. No matter what anyone portrays out there, at the gym or on some random blog, they struggle, too. Even if they'll never admit it. It's not always easy to turn down dessert or all the pizza and burgers. It's not always easy to make your workout a priority. And, sometimes, real life situations are going to get in the way. Some things are completely out of your control.

The real change in a person happens when they decide what to do with the things they are dealt. The real change happens when they take slip-ups, no matter how big or how small, as a bump in the road. Not an end-all.

That's where I am. I'm feeling better. Much better. The prednisone is gone - for now...  I haven't weighed in yet (I will tomorrow morning after I dig my scale out), but I can tell you that I will not be surprised if I'm starting over - 100% from the beginning. I've been struggling internally with that thought and trying to overcome the negative talk that comes with it. I can't change the past. It is what it is. All I can do is work my butt off from here on out.

I hope you guys will all stick around as I start this journey over. The great thing about the past year, is I've learned a lot about myself and my body which should make all the difference in my success this time around. I need accountability right now, so I'll be bringing back weekly weigh-ins. 

More on my plan, weigh-in, measurements to come tomorrow!

A Very Random - 5 on Friday

It's Friday and my blood pressure is coming back down from my little vent yesterday, just in time for the weekend. I know I had said I'd have the full potty training post up this week, but we'll just bump it to the next.

It wouldn't be the close of a week without 5 On Friday, so...

{ONE}

This was my Friday morning. Wyatt insisted he cover me in kisses before we left the house, which basically makes me the luckiest mommy in the world. After being up all night wiping his nose and trying to keep him calm with all his coughing, it was very much needed. Please keep positive thoughts for us as we have a big doctor's appointment on Monday!

Even though he's not feeling well, there have been zero accidents since Sunday. Zero! I'm so proud of my little guy.

{TWO}

A little Flashback Friday to last summer's hiking...

I am itching to get back to the mountains! Will the snow ever end? We've been having a really awesome winter this spring. Sigh


I've lived down in this part of Wyoming over 7 years, and I honestly still don't know the area well. I think I've talked Brad into showing me a few day hike places.. with trails clearly marked... that I can safely do myself when he has Wyatt. There will definitely be some backpacking trips this summer as well, but that will not happen without Brad along. Safety first, friends... safety first. Not to mention, if a bear was to pop up in front of me, I'd think he's too cute to actually shoot - even if he started ripping me to shreds. So there's that. (That may be part of the issue I'm having with convincing Brad to show me hiking trails I can do by myself).

{THREE}

I've started the taper process of Prednisone, which is very exciting. However, it's been years and years since I've been on it for an extended period of time. I forgot a very nasty side effect of tapering - pain. It's not uncommon with the prednisone, especially in auto-immune patients.

My entire body is fragile at the moment. I mean, it literally hurts for my clothing to touch my skin. The pressure of laying down on a soft bed to go to sleep last night actually had me crying in pain. The shower this morning? Let's not even talk about how that felt. Or the fact that drying off with a towel was out of the question, so I just stood in the bathroom to air dry for what felt like an eternity.

I'm so ready for my bloated face to go back to normal, and to get to work losing the extra weight though, that the pain is almost a welcome one. It's a sign that I'm getting closer to being able to move forward. Hopefully it will just last a couple days and I will be feeling like a new me!

{FOUR}

We had my mom and little brother come over for dinner last night. Which means Wyatt's day was MADE.

Until the past year, my family have all been 7 hours away. It's been a lot of fun having them around.

{FIVE}

Warm weather will come eventually, and it will be running season again. I am in desperate need of a new running playlist. Help!

What's on your playlist??

Shame on SELF

I'm typically a pretty laid back person. I have my own opinions and thoughts on certain matters, well, just about every matter. But, I tend to keep them to myself or vent about them to close family or friends. I'm one of those people if a restaurant gets my food wrong, I'll just pick at it or take it home to give to someone else rather than speak up. It's just who I am.

With that said, it takes a lot to truly upset me enough to voice my feelings. I'm not sure what it is about this particular issue that has me in a complete rage today. Maybe it's just the timing. Maybe, it's because my aunt is a breast cancer survivor and it happens to be her birthday. Maybe, it's my involvement in I Run 4 and that Dakota is right now, as I type, sitting in the hospital receiving results from his recent testing. Maybe, it's because I'm a runner - I don't know. All I know, is I haven't been able to get the issue off my mind all morning and feel I won't be able to let it rest until I've put my feelings out there...

This morning started out like any morning - 10,000 trips to go the bathroom for Wyatt. Shower, hair and make-up for me. Breakfast served... you know the drill. I sat down on the couch and logged onto Facebook to send Dakota a message for his results day. The first thing that popped up on my newsfeed was THIS ARTICLE.

Monika Allen is a brain cancer survivor. She received an email from SELF awhile back, asking her permission to use a photo of her running the LA Marathon in a tutu/super hero outfit. I'm sure she never imagined it could be used in a negative light, and gave her blessing. The picture was posted in April's publication with this caption:

"A racing tutu epidemic has struck NYC's Central Park, and it's all because people think these froufrou skirts make you run faster," the caption reads. "Now, if you told us they made people run from you faster, maybe we would believe it."

Source: http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/local/Magazine-Makes-Fun-of-Cancer-Survivors-Tutu-252560451.html#ixzz2xAhLRuvB
Follow us: @nbcsandiego on Twitter | NBCSanDiego on Facebook

Little did SELF know (or bother to even find out) Monika ran this marathon in the middle of chemotherapy. (Advice to SELF: THAT is newsworthy). She wore the tutu to celebrate her amazing accomplishment. To motivate herself on the run and have a little, well deserved, fun. Not only that, but she makes tutus and sells them to donate the money to a charity: Girls on the Run.

The amazing thing to me, is SELF is supposed to be a fitness and health publication.

 One that fails to understand the close-knit nature of the running community. I have participated in sports my entire life. Never have I found a community of people so supportive of all sizes, shapes, ages and abilities as runners.

One that clearly fails to understand that nearly every organized race is in support of some type of charity.

One that clearly fails to understand why anyone might want to brighten 3-50 miles. To bring a little cheer to themselves, other runners and supporters along the way. If a fun outfit can do that, why not?

One that clearly fails to understand that there are thousands upon thousands of people out there who can't run for themselves. That there are thousands of us out there dedicating our races and miles to these people. That many of them are children. In the I Run 4 group, tutus and goofy outfits are common. Members post race pictures for their buddies so they can feel a part of the race themselves. So, as a result, they go above and beyond to wear their buddy's favorite colors, characters etc...

Until  today, I've been a fan of SELF for many years. I've had subscriptions with them from time to time. I was following them on all forms of social media until this morning. But, I have no patience for ignorance, bullies, and judgements. Especially based on someone's appearance. I can't help but wonder if the "journalist" who made this comment has ever run a marathon, themselves. Until they have those 26.2 miles under their belt, or have underwent chemotherapy themselves, they should probably refrain from judging those that have.

Nice try, SELF, but I believe people will now be running faster from you... not the tutus.

Cerebral Palsy Awareness Day {Yesterday}

Side Note: Wheat Belly Wednesday will return in another week or two after Wyatt and I have finished all our crazy doctor's appointments etc... I can't wait to dig into all of this and get to work losing the pounds (again), but I'm focusing on us and all other areas of our health right now. Throwing in drastic lifestyle changes, with all else happening is too overwhelming at the moment. The prednisone hunger is real, people. It's a daily struggle. But, I'm doing my best to control it and make smart decisions in the mean time. So, there's that.

If you follow me on Instagram, you've probably already seen this. However, since it's big news in my world at the moment, I'm sharing again:

I got real shoes on my feet for the first time in a week on Monday. Progress! It's healing faster than expected, thank heavens. It's about time something went right around here. There's an occasional throb and it's pretty tender to the touch, but overall - not bad. I completely forget about it occasionally the past couple of days which is making it difficult to follow doctor's orders and not jump right back into all things fitness. Patience... 

Somehow I missed the memo that yesterday was Cerebral Palsy Awareness Day until after lunch. Bummer! I should have been rocking my green for Dakota. I couldn't let the day go by without getting out there and doing something for him. Running was out of the question, but I loaded Wyatt up after work and we headed out for a walk.

It felt great to get moving a bit. Ice was required for my toe later that night though. Maybe by the weekend, I'll be able to get a slow, short jog in and start easing back into my workouts. I'm playing it by ear and listening to my body.

Moving on to the biggest, most exciting news in our neck of the woods: Operation Potty Training has been a huge success! We started on Saturday and Wyatt has now been over 48 hours with zero accidents. Score! 

Today is the last day of his 3rd round of antibiotics in 2 months. I was hoping it was working this time, then Monday night the stuffy nose and cough returned. We go in for a follow up on Monday to determine if he needs to be seen by a specialist. I'm a big bundle of mama nerves, but know that it will all work out. He stays pretty happy and energetic during the day, so I'm grateful for that. It's a sign of some improvement at least.

Tutorial for Wyatt's potty/chore chart will be up on the blog tomorrow along with some details about our crazy weekend and what is working for us.

Happy Wednesday!

Motivation Monday - Inspiration

With all the craziness going on as of late, it's been far too long since I've managed a Motivation Monday! But, I love this week's theme and it came at a time when I was really needing it: What Inspires You. Come link-up with us and be sure to jump around and check out other's posts today!

--------------------------

Inspiration is so unique and special to each individual. My journey started a year ago... I was tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin. Tired of hiding behind hoodies and sweats. Tired of being tired, really. But, my big push was my son, Wyatt.

I didn't want to sit on the sidelines and watch him grow. I wanted to be a part of it all. I wanted to be able to chase him; throw and kick a ball around. To really be a part of everything he does. Not just emotionally, but physically. With extra pounds, that was a hard task. Beyond that, it was extremely important to me that he learn healthy habits. That he understood the importance of physical activity, and had fun doing it. That he had a healthy relationship with food early on. 

Children lead by example. I couldn't sit on the couch and stuff my face with all the calories, but expect him to learn moderation. I couldn't encourage him to play outside and run around, if I was just going to kick back and watch from a distance.

Wyatt is what originally lit that fire within myself. As a result, I feel as though this journey continues to make me a better mother. I'm far from perfect, there is always room for improvement. But, not only am I happier when I'm on the right path, but so it he.

Last fall, I heard through the blogging community about Who I Run 4. I spent a good part of the day in tears as I read about the organization and scrolled through the posts on the Facebook page. I immediately signed up to be matched with a buddy to run and workout for. It was a long 6-8 week wait to be matched with my buddy, Dakota. Never did I imagine the change this young man would make in our lives.

Working out took on a whole new meaning. I wasn't just doing it for myself anymore, I was doing it for a complete stranger. Dakota looks forward to my updates, and I don't want to let him down. He is a huge motivator for me, and beyond that, has taught me so many valuable lessons. Someday, he will ride his wheelchair next to me on a run, and I cannot wait for that day.

 These past several months have been a struggle as I've dealt with various health problems. I'm gearing up to start my journey over. Instead of continuing to be down on myself for the detour I've been on lately, I'm concentrating on getting pumped up. I'm so ready to do this - just as soon as my toe and health get on the same page. There's a lot to come in the very near future, and with Wyatt and Dakota pushing me, I have no doubt that it will be an amazing ride!

A Little 5 On Friday

{ONE}

Let's start with a little health update:

My toe is healing quite nicely. Thank heavens! I can almost walk like normal today, and may have even been able to get a real shoe on, if I hadn't been too chicken to try. I'm not coughing aaalll night long, so that's nice. Hopefully things are on the up and up on my end.

Wyatt is half way through his third round of antibiotics, and I'm not totally convinced he is getting better - once again. The ear infection doesn't seem to be bothering him, but he is still complaining of the sore throat and has a cough to go with it. Poor guy! 31st is the big day when we find out if we will be referred to a specialist for surgery. As often as he is sick, I feel as though I might be slightly relieved if we go that route. Of course, I wish it wouldn't be necessary, but I hate seeing him like this all the time. So, that's where we are at with all that drama.

This picture helps to really put things into perspective. Ladies and Gents, this is just the past 2 weeks of mine and Wyatt's lives. I should have followed in my big brother's foot steps and became a pharmacist.

{TWO}

Operation Potty Training - Round 2 will be taking place this weekend. Lord help us all. Wyatt, is quite possibly, the most stubborn person that has ever lived. He may or may not come by this trait naturally. eh hem.

We've been casually working on it for months after our last Operation Potty Training disaster in the fall. Everyone says, "wait until he's ready." The kid insists on trying to change his own diaper, for crying out loud. He is ready.

After browsing Pinterest for hours on end, (because, how can you not?) I found a chart I just fell in love with. Back in the day when I had a life and free time, I used to quilt and sew and make all the things. I've missed it. So, when I found a chart that required some sewing, was a smart concept, and I have extra free time with no workouts, I knew it was fate.

I'll get a full tutorial up on the blog some time next week. But, the jest of it is this: Each successful trip to the bathroom, the toilet pin will move up another number. If he has an accident, the pin will move down one. Once it gets to 10, he can pick out a toy at the store.

Beyond the cute, sewing, fun factor - there were several things I liked about this idea.
1. Positive reinforcement
2. And probably my favorite part, I like that it moves down one for an accident. I don't want to "punish" Wyatt for accidents. That's silly. But, I do want him to understand that while successful trips are awesome, our goal is to try and have no accidents at all. The hope is this will help him try harder blah blah - you get it.
3. Help to learn colors and numbers, as well.
4. Once potty training is over, it can still be used for discipline/chores. I've made a follow directions pin and pick up toys pin. Once he's a little older, we can add more.

{THREE}

I'm getting my butt back in gear. Prednisone has me feeling like a busted can of biscuits today. My fat jeans, barely got on this morning. Truth.

To stay off my toe, my goal is 100 tricep dips at work with an ab workout tonight.

Lunch break will be spent at the store stocking back up on all the healthy things. My water bottle is next to me on my desk.

No more letting my health troubles control my life and goals. Time to get this show on the road.

{FOUR}

Wyatt put Daddy night-night on Wednesday. This picture literally has me laughing out loud every time I look at it.

He's got all the bedtime essentials: TMNTs, blankie, pillow and drink. Looks comfy, eh?

{FIVE}

 Friday is always "Friday Movie Night" in our house. I was expecting our copy of Frozen from Disney Movie Club earlier this week. It still hasn't arrived!! I've been dying to see this movie. If it doesn't show up today, I need to find a quick plan B.

Any family movie suggestions out there??

When You Want to Throw In the Towel...

You know, I have a pretty awesome life.

I live, in what I believe, is one of the most beautiful places on earth.

Picture taken on our backpacking trip last summer

I have a secure job that provides for me and my son. While it may try my patience and sanity at times, I am fortunate enough to have a flexible schedule if need be.

I have a pretty darn adorable kid that constantly amazes me with his quick whit, sarcasm, heart of gold, short fuse and abundance of energy. 

 An amazing family, that I love with all my heart.

I have the best friend and father to my child I could ever ask for. 

The only thing I've felt like I'm missing is my health. I want to be at a healthy weight. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to chase Wyatt around with ease. I want to continue hiking trips with Brad. I want all of these things.

I've worked hard in an attempt to achieve these things. Sometimes, I've worked a little too hard in an attempt to achieve them. Unfortunately, life has seemed to have other plans these past six months. If you've read here any amount of time, you've heard me whining about it all over and over.

I won't lie, as Monday unfolded into the insane day it was, I didn't know what else to do but laugh. In fact, on the phone with my boss this morning, he said he still can't believe how calm I was after that type of an injury. However, as the day went on yesterday, I started to get angry. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe it was the immense pain I was in. Maybe it was complete and utter frustration. Maybe it was concern about possible surgery in the near future for my child. Probably, it was a combination of all these things. 

I'd just had it. I went through this list of all the amazing things in my life. I have it pretty stinkin' good. Screw size 6 jeans. Screw endless workouts and food tracking and giving up all things yummy. Where has it gotten me? 

I ate my feelings- again. Tears were shed. Simply, I have been a bit dramatic.

Lately, this whole healthy living thing is just overwhelming. Finding time for workouts... Heck, trying to make it one stinking week healthy enough to be able to workout, period. Or, one stinking week where I feel well enough to prepare healthy meals.

Sometimes I read other blogs, or see other people and that jealousy thing kicks in. Sometimes, especially lately, I've been asking myself, "why me?" I want to be able to workout 5-6 days a week. I want to be able to run outside. I want to feel well enough to get a good grocery shopping trip in, food prep and eat all the healthy things. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I physically have been unable to as of late. Literally. No exaggeration. Completely unable to do these things no matter how hard I've tried.

So, wallowing in self pity last night, I had a decision to make. I can throw in the towel. Give up. Be happy with all the amazing blessings I do have and just forget all the personal goals I've set  for this year in terms of fitness and weightloss...

Or,
I can pick myself up. I can start over and go back to the basics. I can focus on what I can control.

I'm going to fight like hell. That's what I'm going to do. Plain and simple.

I'm going to take this down time while I recover to finish Wheat Belly. To research nutrition. It's no secret that the food side of things is where I struggle. Now's the time to wrangle that in. I can't control the water retention from the Prednisone, but I can do my part to limit any added poundage above and beyond that.

I may not be able to run, do plyometrics, or walk for that matter... but that doesn't mean I have to sit on my butt in front of the TV for the next 4-8 weeks. Upper body has always been my weakness; this is my opportunity to really focus on that. I'm going to be taking it easy for at least the next month. My body is screaming for the break. But, that doesn't mean I can't do a little something each day. I'm going to work my arms, shoulders and back. I'm going to make sure I'm still moving. Any little bit is better than not at all.

Progress will be small while I recover from this one. (Lungs, toe and more...) Odds are against me, and despite my best efforts, the scale and my jeans may show no progress at all. It's life. It's my life. But, I will make it through this rough patch, and I'm going to come out healthier and stronger on the other side. 2014 will still be my year. I just have to find a different way to approach it.