Owning My Struggles

As I sat in Urgent Care two Sunday's ago, feeling completed defeated after finding out I had bronchitis for the second time this year, I began to really reflect on a lot of things - the blog being one of them.

I started this blog nearly a year ago as a way to document my weightloss and fitness journey. I wanted the accountability and support that came along with it. It was fun at first. Weight was falling off. My health was in check and all was well. As time went on, and the-never-ending-plateau came about, my motivation really wavered. At that time, I started Fit 4 Christmas and was able to finally light that fire under myself again and see results. I weighed in December 20th at 166.8 (if I'm remembering correctly). 29 pounds gone - forever. Or so I thought.

Then, round 1 of bronchitis hit. There were rounds and rounds of antibiotics, feeling miserable and just... blah. About this same time, I started to feel like the blog was a "chore". Try as hard as I might, I could not think of anything worth writing about. If I'm being completely honest - I didn't feel worthy of writing on my own blog. The weight was creeping back on. I was physically unable to workout. I could have come on here and owned up to all of that then, but I didn't want to be a failure. Who wants to read about illnesses and someone ruining all their hard work?

So, of course, I started thinking negatively in other areas of my life as well. One year ago, Wyatt worked out with me every single night. He loved it! Often times, when I wanted to take a day off, it was he that pushed me to lace up my shoes and push play. As he is getting older and more independent, he isn't as interested as he once was. Mama's guilt has been strong as of late when I'm in my room trying to get a 30 minute workout in and he is off playing in his room. As I'd try to push myself in my workouts, my heart wanted to be in there with him.

All these thoughts, health issues, and the need to spend extra time with my son, led me to take a hiatus from the blog. I've spent these two weeks working on myself mentally. That step back was necessary at that point. I finished round two of steroids just over a week ago and I've slowly been getting back into my workout schedule.

With all that said, I originally thought that I would work hard and lose the extra pounds before owning up to my struggles the past few months. It'd be sooo much better if I came on here and said, "Hey, I gained a bunch of weight, but I've already lost it! woohoo!" Riiiiiiight. (Insert sarcasm here). I didn't want the embarrassment, for lack of a better word, of sharing my failures publicly. However, I woke up this morning whistling a different tune. Mistakes are a part of life. We all make them. We all have things to struggle with. I never set out to be one of those bloggers that only share the highs and successes.

I mentioned after the first round of antibiotics that I was up - but I (intentionally) left out the specific number. After round two, that number got even higher. Here it is in all it's ugly glory: 20 pounds. Yes, I've gained 20 pounds since Christmas and I have been wallowing in self pity week after week and letting that number control my happiness. Is some of that retention from the steroids? Most definitely. But, I'd waiver only 7-10 pounds were steroid weight. The rest is on me, 100%.

Seeing 185 on that scale was a major wake up call. I can't keep letting my health issues control my mindset or that number. I can't control my lupus. I can't always control the crappy immune system that comes with it. But, I CAN control the foods I put in my body and my overall attitude.

I've been fairly on track since weighing in. My clothes are fitting better and I know I've lost some. I won't know just how much until I weigh in again on Monday.

Sorry for all the rambling, and I hope it makes some sense. Mostly, I just wanted to own up to my struggles and share where I'm at. I want anyone out there reading to know that you aren't alone in your own challenges. And most importantly, that I'm still here and chipping away at it. It's a journey after all... and the end result will always be worth it.

I have plans for the upcoming future, as always, and will be sharing them all next week. Wheat Belly Wednesdays will be continuing next week as well!