We took a little road trip over the mountain to Saratoga, WY yesterday so Brad could watch some Pros play in a pool tournament. There's something about the mountains that brings me such peace. On the way home, I couldn't help but think back over the past year and snapped the above picture from the truck to reflect my thoughts in the moment.
Last summer, Brad and I took a backpacking trip, over 6 miles total. The hike was through water, over boulders and all types of terrain. I made the trip with ease. At times, feeling as though I could have ran portions where there was actual trail. I felt on top of the world in the moment, both literally and figuratively.
Never did I think I would be back to square one almost a year later.
I've known that I'd have to write this blog post for a couple of weeks. While I have touched on it briefly here and there, I have really tried to avoid the whole topic. Even though I've had this post on the brain for weeks, I am still finding it hard to find the words...
I worked hard last year and learned a lot of things along the way. My progress was much slower than anticipated, but I kept my head up (most of the time) and continued looking forward. I first got sick and started experience Lupus Flare symptoms in October. For months, I taught tooth and nail to continue progressing through the pain and sickness. Finally, in December, I reached a 29lb total loss. I felt great and was beginning to gain the confidence I had lost long ago.
Then, all the symptoms came back x100. I tried. Man, did I ever try to keep pressing forward. Truth is, my body was exhausted. My mind was exhausted. I simply couldn't workout through the aches and pains. Beyond that, I couldn't walk across the room without being winded and having a coughing attack. These couldn't (s) aren't "Eh, I didn't feel like it." They are: I, quite literally, was not capable of these things.
Enter the evil prednisone. Not only does it make you retain water like you're 9 months pregnant with pre-eclampsia, but the hunger is unreal. Evil, evil, prednisone. I wanted to eat healthy, I did. But truth be told, I gave in far too many times in past month. One positive thing, I did make more frequent healthy choices than I would have if this had been one year ago. So, there's that.
The day I found out about round 1093980739 of bronchitis for the year, I also broke my big toe AND had to take Wyatt back into the doctor after my x-rays for his 3rd round of antibiotics in 2 months. We won't go back into all of that - my point is: Luck has not been on my side and I haven't handled it the best I could.
Weight loss and fitness journey's aren't all happy-go-lucky moments. They aren't rainbows and unicorns all the time. They aren't easy. No matter what anyone portrays out there, at the gym or on some random blog, they struggle, too. Even if they'll never admit it. It's not always easy to turn down dessert or all the pizza and burgers. It's not always easy to make your workout a priority. And, sometimes, real life situations are going to get in the way. Some things are completely out of your control.
The real change in a person happens when they decide what to do with the things they are dealt. The real change happens when they take slip-ups, no matter how big or how small, as a bump in the road. Not an end-all.
That's where I am. I'm feeling better. Much better. The prednisone is gone - for now... I haven't weighed in yet (I will tomorrow morning after I dig my scale out), but I can tell you that I will not be surprised if I'm starting over - 100% from the beginning. I've been struggling internally with that thought and trying to overcome the negative talk that comes with it. I can't change the past. It is what it is. All I can do is work my butt off from here on out.
I hope you guys will all stick around as I start this journey over. The great thing about the past year, is I've learned a lot about myself and my body which should make all the difference in my success this time around. I need accountability right now, so I'll be bringing back weekly weigh-ins.
More on my plan, weigh-in, measurements to come tomorrow!
First off, OF COURSE I am sticking with you! I already emailed you about how I feel about you. ;)
ReplyDeleteSecondly, not to contradict you, but I want you to know that once you ARE able to fully incorporate going grain free, really, honestly, for real it DOES become easy. We aren't lying. It really, truly does become easy. But you have to be consistently grain-free and mostly sugar free for a wee bit of time to reach that nirvana. Unfortunately, all of your illnesses have gotten in the way of that happening for you. But please believe there is a rainbow and a pot of gold when you achieve NGNS (no grains, no sugar.) Or, my version being NGNS- 5. (5% wiggle room. LOL)
Much love and hugs to you. I KNOW you will get there! :D
Lady, you are so so strong to have been as committed to your goals as you have been (even in the wake of some health shake-ups!). Even if the scale says you're back to start, know that your so much further down the road than the numbers show. I know you're going to pull yourself back out of sickness and into health-- and not settle for anything less than what you KNOW you're capable of!! Hugs to you!! :)
ReplyDeleteHold your head high, many would have just given up by now.
ReplyDeleteLife is a journey and so is weight loss. Enjoy the ride, even the bumps in the road.